Motivation. I need it. I want it. I don't have it, and can't seem to find it anywhere. AND I mean anywhere. I cannot seem to find the energy to do anything anymore. I'd like to work out. I would like to decorate the house. I'd like to do one of a million little home projects. I'd even like to spend time with my children in random pursuits of fun. Yet, when I come home from work at night, this is my typical evening:
1. Arrive home about 7 pm. Change from work clothes into pajamas. Yep pajamas. Let's not waste time putting on clothes I can show myself in, let's just get to the nitty gritty of going to bed.
2. I do the dishes left from the day
3. Make dinner
4. Feed children, do the dinner fight, pick food up off floor from Lindsay, eat cold dinner
5. Clean up dinner
6. Do dishes
7. Wash and dry a load of laundry (note, no energy to fold, just wash)
8. Perform some task for either YW or for the salon (such as advertising, rolls, etc.)
9. Water lawn and think about going for a walk with Laney. Muster up energy for walk about once every third day
10. Watch tv rerun or dvr of a show I'm interested in for about an hour or two
11. Fall asleep in bed while speaking with Arlin and/or reading a book about 11 pm
12. Wake up at 5:45 to do it all again
I just can't seem to do more than this, and I am incredibly frustrated by this. I've tried to explain this to Arlin, but I don't think he really gets it. The old me would have just put energy into it and conquered the activities I wanted to do. This me, this me is EXHAUSTED and DEPRESSED? and discouraged and just plain unable to do more than the essentials me can't change. It makes me feel so empty inside and like life really isn't really anything more than work and death. I mean where is the fun in this crap?! It feels so few and far between.
I've tried counting my blessings, doing only laundry or chores on the weekends (read: spend all day Saturday doing more work), and making myself get moving a couple of times a week only to stop after small progress. The will power is minute and the desire is great. I know that this can be typical of a mom's life. I wonder why I feel like I have nothing life in my tank when other people seems to have so much energy. I used to be one of those people who could accomplish amazing amounts of things. AND NOW, I'm just the kind of person I used to pity. I used to say if you want it, you'll make it happen. I just can't seem to make it happen ...
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
My Traits
Laney said to me yesterday, "Mom, I have know what traits I have of yours."
Me: "What traits, baby?"
Laney: "I have your blond hair, your eyes, your feet, your sweaty feet and your sweaty hands. Because my feet do sweat sometimes."
Me: "Ah."
So later during the day, I ask Laney to recount my traits to Arlin. She goes through the same list, and I crack up and say, "Notice, she has my hair, my eyes and my sweaty feet." hahahah AND then I hear, "And don't forget the sweaty hands. I have your sweaty hands too."
I know only my family will understand this, but in a brief attempt to explain, I am physically unable to sweat. My body literally does not sweat except on my palms and the bottoms of my feet. As you can imagine, if it's hot, my feet and hands can be very sweaty. It cracks me up this is the thing Laney notices the most about herself (along with eyes and hair) right as she is entering pre-teenhood. And just for the record, she doesn't have sweaty hands or feet. Trust me, this one I know. She's too funny!
Me: "What traits, baby?"
Laney: "I have your blond hair, your eyes, your feet, your sweaty feet and your sweaty hands. Because my feet do sweat sometimes."
Me: "Ah."
So later during the day, I ask Laney to recount my traits to Arlin. She goes through the same list, and I crack up and say, "Notice, she has my hair, my eyes and my sweaty feet." hahahah AND then I hear, "And don't forget the sweaty hands. I have your sweaty hands too."
I know only my family will understand this, but in a brief attempt to explain, I am physically unable to sweat. My body literally does not sweat except on my palms and the bottoms of my feet. As you can imagine, if it's hot, my feet and hands can be very sweaty. It cracks me up this is the thing Laney notices the most about herself (along with eyes and hair) right as she is entering pre-teenhood. And just for the record, she doesn't have sweaty hands or feet. Trust me, this one I know. She's too funny!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
To You Annoying Lady
Dear Annoying Lady who just chewed my hiney for things I'm not even in the loop on:
I think you need to assert your aggression somewhere else because I don't like bullies. In the meantime, I will turn up my music and pretend you do not exist. Otherwise, I will most likely become a rudelette and regret it later. Lucky you, I'm trying to keep my goal of improved self control this year. I suggest you appreciate it and go away.
Sincerely,
Me
PS I don't like you today, and probably not even tomorrow. Come see me next week and I might have moved on...self control is a slow burning process.
I think you need to assert your aggression somewhere else because I don't like bullies. In the meantime, I will turn up my music and pretend you do not exist. Otherwise, I will most likely become a rudelette and regret it later. Lucky you, I'm trying to keep my goal of improved self control this year. I suggest you appreciate it and go away.
Sincerely,
Me
PS I don't like you today, and probably not even tomorrow. Come see me next week and I might have moved on...self control is a slow burning process.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
On My Sister Turning 38
I have to admit that turning 30 was no big deal for me. Turning 29 on the other hand was incredibly DEPRESSING. Mostly because I knew that it was my last year, my last 365 days of being in my 20's, and it was awful to be part of a group, that had previously seemed so old. Now, I think 30 is really pretty young, but that's because I'm closer to 40 than 30. *Sigh* I can't believe it either. I know I'm a strange one, anticipating the awfulness a full year before it happens, but that's me. I like to prepare and be ahead of the game. Good news is, my 30th was no big deal. No tears, no fuss, no drama. Yay me???
Now I'm starting way early on dreading my 40's. Yesterday my older sister (who is barely older than me) turned 38. In my mind this rounds on up to 40, and since I don't think she's that much older than me, I feel like I'm about to be 40. EEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!! I'm not ready! I haven't started enjoying my 30's yet! I'm still just surviving life and making it through the day, I can't believe it's almost here! Give me more time! Stop right there Father Time, just stop right there!
Of course I'm only about to be 36 this year, so I've still have lots of years ahead of me before 40. BUT it feels like I'm about to fall off a cliff here and since we know how I like to prepare, I'm starting the game. And yes, even I realize, I'm crazy psycho about this event 4 years from now. It's hard on a woman you know? Especially since her husband is only 31, and is still hasn't a clue what the 30's are still about... **sigh, just sigh**
Now I'm starting way early on dreading my 40's. Yesterday my older sister (who is barely older than me) turned 38. In my mind this rounds on up to 40, and since I don't think she's that much older than me, I feel like I'm about to be 40. EEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!! I'm not ready! I haven't started enjoying my 30's yet! I'm still just surviving life and making it through the day, I can't believe it's almost here! Give me more time! Stop right there Father Time, just stop right there!
Of course I'm only about to be 36 this year, so I've still have lots of years ahead of me before 40. BUT it feels like I'm about to fall off a cliff here and since we know how I like to prepare, I'm starting the game. And yes, even I realize, I'm crazy psycho about this event 4 years from now. It's hard on a woman you know? Especially since her husband is only 31, and is still hasn't a clue what the 30's are still about... **sigh, just sigh**
Friday, May 25, 2012
And on to 4th Grade
Whew! We dodged another one, and got through an entire school year. I just can't believe it's over! I feel like I've gone through battle and I don't even know who/what I was fighting. It's crazy to believe we made it because it's been such a tough year. I'm starting to wonder if Laney is less ADD than I thought and more lazy? As a parent, I just don't know. Our final report card was straight C's. And if you asked me three years ago, this would be totally unacceptable. Punishment, lose of privileges, you name it. My feelings on it now? WHEW! There is a loving God and He helps us.
We started this year much like last year with not so good grades (read D's, C's and F's). She did have one B and that was in reading. Over the year we've done counseling, constant seat changing, tutoring before, during and after school, extra practice at home, testing on mental issues, etc., etc., etc. And while our testing results are not in, all teacher feedback on her ability to focus is: she CAN'T. I'm really starting to wonder just exactly where it is that Laney wants to be in life. I think school is going to always be hard for her. Math especially, word problems definitely. And since we teach to pass a test here in TX, she is really not doing so hot there. She gets notes sent home for talking and being silly, she either sends home an A or an F, she understands it today and totally forgets about it tomorrow. Geez. If she stumps me, two teachers, and a host of extra helpers, perhaps kids not excelling at school is not so cut and dried as I once thought?!
BUT here we are again, at the close of a year, and I'm super grateful for those C's. I'm grateful Laney maintained one C from the beginning of the year, and brought 3 D's up to C's, and lowered one B to a C. And while I've spoken with her teacher and made a plan to practice math problems and multiplication tables all summer long, I'm excited for her future. A little worried that one year she might be held back, but excited because I believe she is finally starting to see that her effort is what makes a grade. And she is starting (starting I say, not perfect) to understand that if she studies and truly tries she does better than without the effort. And I'm trying to teach her that if you really want to do well, you find a way to make it happen. You study all the material until you know it inside and out. And you do everything in your power to be successful. I'm helping her compare this to repentance. If you are truly sorry, you'll ask forgiveness and not do the sin/mistake/hurtful thing again. If you say you're sorry, but repeat the event then you are not really sorry. So she is learning just because she says she wants to do well, it doesn't mean anything until her actions equal her efforts. And only then will she see the results she is looking for. Like I said, I think she is starting to understand. And I'll give her that. I know adults and seniors who don't get that principle.
We started this year much like last year with not so good grades (read D's, C's and F's). She did have one B and that was in reading. Over the year we've done counseling, constant seat changing, tutoring before, during and after school, extra practice at home, testing on mental issues, etc., etc., etc. And while our testing results are not in, all teacher feedback on her ability to focus is: she CAN'T. I'm really starting to wonder just exactly where it is that Laney wants to be in life. I think school is going to always be hard for her. Math especially, word problems definitely. And since we teach to pass a test here in TX, she is really not doing so hot there. She gets notes sent home for talking and being silly, she either sends home an A or an F, she understands it today and totally forgets about it tomorrow. Geez. If she stumps me, two teachers, and a host of extra helpers, perhaps kids not excelling at school is not so cut and dried as I once thought?!
BUT here we are again, at the close of a year, and I'm super grateful for those C's. I'm grateful Laney maintained one C from the beginning of the year, and brought 3 D's up to C's, and lowered one B to a C. And while I've spoken with her teacher and made a plan to practice math problems and multiplication tables all summer long, I'm excited for her future. A little worried that one year she might be held back, but excited because I believe she is finally starting to see that her effort is what makes a grade. And she is starting (starting I say, not perfect) to understand that if she studies and truly tries she does better than without the effort. And I'm trying to teach her that if you really want to do well, you find a way to make it happen. You study all the material until you know it inside and out. And you do everything in your power to be successful. I'm helping her compare this to repentance. If you are truly sorry, you'll ask forgiveness and not do the sin/mistake/hurtful thing again. If you say you're sorry, but repeat the event then you are not really sorry. So she is learning just because she says she wants to do well, it doesn't mean anything until her actions equal her efforts. And only then will she see the results she is looking for. Like I said, I think she is starting to understand. And I'll give her that. I know adults and seniors who don't get that principle.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Easter - Yes in May!
No, Easter is not in May. Yes, my Easter blog is in May. I've been thinking about putting something up here for weeks, but work, the salon, and regular life is just getting in my way. Oh to have time to myself! Or just to work out! :)
So this was Lindsay's first Easter that she really had any kind of clue what was going on at all. We kinda begin the celebrations on Saturday morning with our church family with a potluck and Easter egg hunt. You will notice the eggs are in a large empty field. This works perfectly for the younger and older kids, but for completely separate and opposing reasons. It's perfect for younger children because they can see the eggs, run to the eggs, and find the eggs with little to no effort. It works just as perfectly for the older children, because they can put mass amounts of eggs in the baskets while thinking they are getting more eggs than anyone else! Success on all parts! [Pictures to be posted when I get home-la!]
Lindsay was really funny about the entire egg hunt thing. She of course did not egg hunt last year and didn't quite know what to do. It literally only took one single egg for her to catch on though. After we showed her the first egg on the ground had candy inside, she dropped the basket and ran around collecting armfuls of eggs and CANDY (as she says). She would dump the armful of eggs in her basket held by mom, and run out to pick up another armful. She would carry about 4-5 eggs in a swipe, so she clearly meant business in gaining eggs away from the competition. Daddy was nice enough to take pictures while mom encouraged and just held the basket. We really were not needed in the candy expedition, and mostly just got in the way.
Laney liked the egg hunt, even though it was simplistic for her. She collected her assigned number of eggs and reunited with us to return to our breakfast area. Both girls began munching down their sweet treasures almost right away. After about six pieces of candy, I stopped both girls and told them more would come after lunch. As you can see from Lindsay's picture, the first is when Daddy tells her Mama said no more candy, and the second is when she comes to me to appeal for mercy. She was heartbroken!
We spent the rest of Saturday at Arlin's aunt's house. It's rather a family compound, as his cousins (3 of them, plus their parents) and their families live on the same street. Laney and Lindsay loved spending time with all the little girl cousins (and one boy cousin). We had a small egg hunt there too and petted the rabbits, fed the fish, played with the cousins. We came home exhausted and went straight to bed in our clothes. (As you can see from our first thing in the morning picture with our baskets). The girls loved their baskets and I'm happy to say the Easter Bunny did not buy but a few pieces of candy for the baskets. The girls loved their special cups, their jump ropes, kites, and toys.
Easter afternoon we ate ham and the standard holiday meal (sigh - so boring, something more exciting next year!). And we (and by we, I mean Angela) put together a scavenger hunt for the 3 older children. They loved reading the clues and finding little surprises for them in each location. I have to say it was a huge success, so way to go Angela! It was a happy day all around. I am positive Lindsay absolutely loves the idea of Easter because she knows there is candy in those little eggs. We hid eggs around the house for about 2 weeks after the holiday. Each and every time she would find an egg she would make a little "Aha!" noise and tell you how she found it. So cute. Every once in a while she will still scream out Happy Easter!, so I know she's a fan and will be ready for Easter next year just as soon as it comes.
Now if only mom can be ready in time, since this year we never seemed to find time to dye the eggs or put together our foam egg craft kit, tie the holiday back into the teachings of the Savior (we did a little with Laney), and making something really fabulous other than ham to eat... Oh well, good intentions right? :)
So this was Lindsay's first Easter that she really had any kind of clue what was going on at all. We kinda begin the celebrations on Saturday morning with our church family with a potluck and Easter egg hunt. You will notice the eggs are in a large empty field. This works perfectly for the younger and older kids, but for completely separate and opposing reasons. It's perfect for younger children because they can see the eggs, run to the eggs, and find the eggs with little to no effort. It works just as perfectly for the older children, because they can put mass amounts of eggs in the baskets while thinking they are getting more eggs than anyone else! Success on all parts! [Pictures to be posted when I get home-la!]
 |
| Here's Laney in front of the large field of eggs |
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| Laney knows all about how to get this done. Lindsay is only moral support at this point |
Lindsay was really funny about the entire egg hunt thing. She of course did not egg hunt last year and didn't quite know what to do. It literally only took one single egg for her to catch on though. After we showed her the first egg on the ground had candy inside, she dropped the basket and ran around collecting armfuls of eggs and CANDY (as she says). She would dump the armful of eggs in her basket held by mom, and run out to pick up another armful. She would carry about 4-5 eggs in a swipe, so she clearly meant business in gaining eggs away from the competition. Daddy was nice enough to take pictures while mom encouraged and just held the basket. We really were not needed in the candy expedition, and mostly just got in the way.
 |
| Here's Lindsay scooping up handfuls of eggs at a time |
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| Now she's showing off the CANDY inside the eggs |
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| Candy break of course |
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| We shove the entire piece of candy in - less chance for crumbs this way |
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| I think she's enjoying it, don't you? |
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| Pleased with herself I must say. This Easter business is not too shabby! |
Laney liked the egg hunt, even though it was simplistic for her. She collected her assigned number of eggs and reunited with us to return to our breakfast area. Both girls began munching down their sweet treasures almost right away. After about six pieces of candy, I stopped both girls and told them more would come after lunch. As you can see from Lindsay's picture, the first is when Daddy tells her Mama said no more candy, and the second is when she comes to me to appeal for mercy. She was heartbroken!
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| Here's Lindsay asking dad for more... |
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| And here she is appealing to me, after daddy told her mama said NO |
We spent the rest of Saturday at Arlin's aunt's house. It's rather a family compound, as his cousins (3 of them, plus their parents) and their families live on the same street. Laney and Lindsay loved spending time with all the little girl cousins (and one boy cousin). We had a small egg hunt there too and petted the rabbits, fed the fish, played with the cousins. We came home exhausted and went straight to bed in our clothes. (As you can see from our first thing in the morning picture with our baskets). The girls loved their baskets and I'm happy to say the Easter Bunny did not buy but a few pieces of candy for the baskets. The girls loved their special cups, their jump ropes, kites, and toys.
Easter afternoon we ate ham and the standard holiday meal (sigh - so boring, something more exciting next year!). And we (and by we, I mean Angela) put together a scavenger hunt for the 3 older children. They loved reading the clues and finding little surprises for them in each location. I have to say it was a huge success, so way to go Angela! It was a happy day all around. I am positive Lindsay absolutely loves the idea of Easter because she knows there is candy in those little eggs. We hid eggs around the house for about 2 weeks after the holiday. Each and every time she would find an egg she would make a little "Aha!" noise and tell you how she found it. So cute. Every once in a while she will still scream out Happy Easter!, so I know she's a fan and will be ready for Easter next year just as soon as it comes.
Now if only mom can be ready in time, since this year we never seemed to find time to dye the eggs or put together our foam egg craft kit, tie the holiday back into the teachings of the Savior (we did a little with Laney), and making something really fabulous other than ham to eat... Oh well, good intentions right? :)
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| Here's a picture of me and Arlin just because we don't have the many pictures together |
Friday, May 11, 2012
Quotable Quotes
I apologize to people who are also my friend on Facebook because these quotes are duplicates, but I want want to able to record them on my blog as well. I'm dying to find some time to post about Easter and our latest life challenges, but time is my constant companion and my constant opposition. Here are some great things the girls have been telling me lately:
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