Motivation

Motivation.  I need it.  I want it.  I don't have it, and can't seem to find it anywhere.  AND I mean anywhere.  I cannot seem to find the energy to do anything anymore.  I'd like to work out.  I would like to decorate the house.  I'd like to do one of a million little home projects.  I'd even like to spend time with my children in random pursuits of fun.  Yet, when I come home from work at night, this is my typical evening:

1. Arrive home about 7 pm.  Change from work clothes into pajamas.  Yep pajamas.  Let's not waste time putting on clothes I can show myself in, let's just get to the nitty gritty of going to bed.
2. I do the dishes left from the day
3. Make dinner
4. Feed children, do the dinner fight, pick food up off floor from Lindsay, eat cold dinner
5. Clean up dinner
6. Do dishes
7. Wash and dry a load of laundry (note, no energy to fold, just wash)
8. Perform some task for either YW or for the salon (such as advertising, rolls, etc.)
9. Water lawn and think about going for a walk with Laney.  Muster up energy for walk about once every third day
10. Watch tv rerun or dvr of a show I'm interested in for about an hour or two
11. Fall asleep in bed while speaking with Arlin and/or reading a book about 11 pm
12. Wake up at 5:45 to do it all again

I just can't seem to do more than this, and I am incredibly frustrated by this.  I've tried to explain this to Arlin, but I don't think he really gets it.  The old me would have just put energy into it and conquered the activities I wanted to do.  This me, this me is EXHAUSTED and DEPRESSED? and discouraged and just plain unable to do more than the essentials me can't change.  It makes me feel so empty inside and like life really isn't really anything more than work and death.  I mean where is the fun in this crap?!  It feels so few and far between.

I've tried counting my blessings, doing only laundry or chores on the weekends (read: spend all day Saturday doing more work), and making myself get moving a couple of times a week only to stop after small progress.  The will power is minute and the desire is great.  I know that this can be typical of a mom's life.  I wonder why I feel like I have nothing life in my tank when other people seems to have so much energy.  I used to be one of those people who could accomplish amazing amounts of things.  AND NOW, I'm just the kind of person I used to pity.  I used to say if you want it, you'll make it happen.  I just can't seem to make it happen ...