Did Your Life Ever Get Like This?

My life has it struggles.  It has good times, bad times, extra money for fun times, and just enough to cover the basic times.  I have moving times, living with others times, and staying pretty boring times.  But I have to say my life is pretty blessed.  Very blessed.  I know some people who are struggling with things like this:

No home to live in that is clean and safe for their children

They have considered doing something like this because they cannot find a job

This is a constant source of income for whatever they can find around the house they do not need

Really.  Right here in the US, where you would think we are grown and moved on.  There are still parts of our cities and towns that are not beautiful, and do not contain beautiful people or circumstances.  Sometimes we all need a little reminder of how much worse it can be.  I need to remember my power is not turned off, my water does not cause cancer, my children are not ill, my husband is faithful to me and our family, my house is not unsafe, my job is not on any kind of strip, I do not compromise my beliefs on a daily basis to be able to feed my family.  My country is not in a civil war, my house is not flooded or burned to the ground, or in a pile or rubble from an earthquake.  We are not starving, bleeding, or working in a factory in a third world country.  I could go on and on here.  I really could.  All in all, I'd say it's pretty much fabulous to be me.  Because I've experienced worse than now at times (nothing close to the above pictures), and I know plenty of people who have experienced horrors or are living in horrors currently (tragedies I cannot even fathom because I've never come that close).

I am humbled, and grateful the Lord is taking such good care of my family and even allowed me to have extras that bring me joy.  It's amazing isn't it?  How much we really have that we forget about and just take for granted?

An Idea

Last night I was sitting in my room and thinking about things.  And while I might appear to be doing better on the outside, on the inside, I'm still the same weak person.  I almost feel bi-polar (though I'm not) because I go through my normal feelings of "I can do this and here's the plan to make it happen" all the way to "Ugh, I'll never get myself up off this couch, or out of this pickle, or just have energy or enthusiasm to do anything."  The span of those emotions is approximately 2.6 seconds from one to the other.  Pitiful I know.

Anywho, I did have some thoughts last night, better yet, a whispering of the spirit perchance?  While I was thinking about it all, about how to get all I have to do done, and just trying to feel organized so I can even remember who needs what and when, an image of one of the 10 virgins can to my mind.  You know the parable in Matthew 25 right?  It goes like this,

1 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

2 And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

3 They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

4 But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

5 While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6 And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.

7 Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8 And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9 But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

Unfortunately, I think I'm one of the foolish virgins in this case.  I think this may be the case with moms in general sometimes.  I had plenty of oil in my lamp (time, energy, testimony, devotion, motivation, etc.) while I was standing in line waiting for Christ to come pre-wife, pre-kids, pre-homeowner, pre-business owner, pre-complicated life.  Then life happened, as it does, and I did not manage my oil wisely.  I shared it too frequently and with too many and gave away more than I should.  I kept nothing for myself and therefore, I ran out and have not enough for me or to share anymore.

It is time for me to go and purchase more oil.  To replenish my oil with good works, testimony, reading of scriptures, and things for me (goals, dreams, projects, activities that fill me).  I have learned the very hard way, by sacrificing myself for the good of all, that I have nothing for me.  And we all know that the only person who can save us is us (and Christ of course).  But it is through our actions, my actions, my reading, my prayer, my everything.  I can't live off others, nor can I stop what I need to do in order to given them my oil.  It gets me and them no where really.  They too need to fill their own oil.  I think that is why people term me an enabler.  I allow others to bring me down, and I can no longer.  Because when I do that, the only person down is me.

Wish me luck, it's going to be a lot of work, and a huge mindset change, but I think I can do it.  And by no means, and I going to neglect the things that still need to be done as a wife, mother, employee, business owner, but I can delegate, and I can simply allow others to do some things for themselves.  I know they can do it.  And if they mess it up for a bit, it will be okay, because they will have the opportunity to learn and grow and figure it out.  Just like I did.

Don't Hold Your Breath, and Don't Even Think About Jinxing This

I have been walking and working out at least 2/3 days a week for the past two weeks.  Even now I'm knocking on wood.  I hope I can keep it up when the girls get back in town from Virginia...

yay me.  :)

My Cantaloupe

I would call this my garden, but I'll leave the evidence for your own determination ...

If you search, you will be able to find broccoli, and three tomato plants (oh, and a couple of onions).  I can't decide if this is successful or not.  Arlin of course thinks so, since he loves cantaloupe and I do not.

Those are some BIG words you have

Last night Lindsay told me she wanted a bite of my sandwich.  It had avocado on it, and she pointed at the avocado.  I know she has tried avocado before and not liked it, so I was pretty surprised.  I asked her if she wanted a bite of the avocado and she said yes.  Then she looked right at me and said, "Bite mom mom.  It probably yummy.  Bite."

Immediately following her microscopic bite, she spite it out and said, "YUCK!"  I'm not surprised she spit it out, that was expected.  BUT I am surprised at her correct use of the supposition probably.  I can't believe this kid is 2.

Motivation

Motivation.  I need it.  I want it.  I don't have it, and can't seem to find it anywhere.  AND I mean anywhere.  I cannot seem to find the energy to do anything anymore.  I'd like to work out.  I would like to decorate the house.  I'd like to do one of a million little home projects.  I'd even like to spend time with my children in random pursuits of fun.  Yet, when I come home from work at night, this is my typical evening:

1. Arrive home about 7 pm.  Change from work clothes into pajamas.  Yep pajamas.  Let's not waste time putting on clothes I can show myself in, let's just get to the nitty gritty of going to bed.
2. I do the dishes left from the day
3. Make dinner
4. Feed children, do the dinner fight, pick food up off floor from Lindsay, eat cold dinner
5. Clean up dinner
6. Do dishes
7. Wash and dry a load of laundry (note, no energy to fold, just wash)
8. Perform some task for either YW or for the salon (such as advertising, rolls, etc.)
9. Water lawn and think about going for a walk with Laney.  Muster up energy for walk about once every third day
10. Watch tv rerun or dvr of a show I'm interested in for about an hour or two
11. Fall asleep in bed while speaking with Arlin and/or reading a book about 11 pm
12. Wake up at 5:45 to do it all again

I just can't seem to do more than this, and I am incredibly frustrated by this.  I've tried to explain this to Arlin, but I don't think he really gets it.  The old me would have just put energy into it and conquered the activities I wanted to do.  This me, this me is EXHAUSTED and DEPRESSED? and discouraged and just plain unable to do more than the essentials me can't change.  It makes me feel so empty inside and like life really isn't really anything more than work and death.  I mean where is the fun in this crap?!  It feels so few and far between.

I've tried counting my blessings, doing only laundry or chores on the weekends (read: spend all day Saturday doing more work), and making myself get moving a couple of times a week only to stop after small progress.  The will power is minute and the desire is great.  I know that this can be typical of a mom's life.  I wonder why I feel like I have nothing life in my tank when other people seems to have so much energy.  I used to be one of those people who could accomplish amazing amounts of things.  AND NOW, I'm just the kind of person I used to pity.  I used to say if you want it, you'll make it happen.  I just can't seem to make it happen ...

My Traits

Laney said to me yesterday, "Mom, I have know what traits I have of yours."
Me: "What traits, baby?"
Laney: "I have your blond hair, your eyes, your feet, your sweaty feet and your sweaty hands. Because my feet do sweat sometimes."
Me: "Ah."

So later during the day, I ask Laney to recount my traits to Arlin.  She goes through the same list, and I crack up and say, "Notice, she has my hair, my eyes and my sweaty feet." hahahah  AND then I hear, "And don't forget the sweaty hands.  I have your sweaty hands too."

I know only my family will understand this, but in a brief attempt to explain, I am physically unable to sweat.  My body literally does not sweat except on my palms and the bottoms of my feet.  As you can imagine, if it's hot, my feet and hands can be very sweaty.  It cracks me up this is the thing Laney notices the most about herself (along with eyes and hair) right as she is entering pre-teenhood.  And just for the record, she doesn't have sweaty hands or feet.  Trust me, this one I know.  She's too funny!