Church and Other Feelings

This past year or so I've had a really hard time getting myself motivated for church.  And when I do end up sitting in my pew during the weekly meeting, I'm very antsy.  I know some of this is habit.  When Lindsay was in the NICU we often visited her instead of going to church.  I did still go to church, but it wasn't every week.  When Lindsay left the NICU it was in the middle of the H1N1 scare and she was quarantined to the house, along with visitors being quarantined out of the house.  She was on a breathing and respiratory monitor that made sure her heart kept beating and her breathing rate did not slow too much.  We spent many days and nights rushing to her when the alarm went off.  (We found out later that most of these alarms were false, but it was still nerve racking).  We did have some visitors, but they had to do a lot of washing up and santizing before they even breathed the same air as she did.  The quarantine lasted about 6 months since she came home in October and we had to wait until early May for the flu threat to be over.  That made it about 8 months since we had regularly attended church and boy was our good habit broken.

For the next 4 months or so we did attend some church, but often left early so as not to mingle the baby too much, follow that with a move across state lines and separation of spouses for a couple of months and it was had just doing life.  Let alone taking a baby to church by yourself.  So here we are 18 months after her birth with a dread still of church meetings.  I flinch just thinking of the wrestling match during the main sacrament meeting, then the chasing up and down the halls or in the lobby during the second two meetings.  One day I was talking with a friend of mine and she told me she often skips the first meeting and attends classes because her kids are in class then and she can focus and actually hear a message.  Best idea EVER!  Another friend of mine trades off with her spouse.  One stays home with the small kids and the other goes to the first meeting, then they switch.  Spouse #2 goes to church for the last meeting while spouse #1 stays home with small children.  The more women I'm talking to, the more I realize that there are more of us, who get nothing but antsy and frustrated over the weekly wrestle-mania we have with children durng our meetings.  It's really hard to learn about love and kindness when 1/2 of my brain is thinking, "Why is she touching that?"  "Where is she going?"  "Oh, no, she's yelling."  "Do I smell a stinky diaper?"  "Why is she screaming?"  "I just picked that toy up" and on and on.

This past week Lindsay hit the 18 month mark.  And at my church that means she can go in a nursery after our main sacrament meeting.  She can be in the nursery where she can play with toys, sing songs, and eat a snack for 2 hours while mommy and daddy and big sister can go to class.  I feel like I'm in heaven!  I still can't make it for the main sacrament meeting distract-a-thon, but I do go late and at least get 2 hours of class in and take some kind of spiritually uplifting message home with me.  This counts, right?  It counts as me trying?  Right? 

So, this is a note to you teachers out there, there are those of us who are listening intently to you.  Hoping for that one nugget, one iota, one little sentence that can keep us going until next week ...  No pressure or anything.  And keep up the good work, because we are really listening!